A Childish Dream and A Writer's Oath

You may have noticed, but I had to take a little break.  It has been a couple weeks now since my last blog post.  Between writing on my novel, writing my poems, looking for my short story idea I had this fall that I want to work on (which is still missing and making me crazy!), and writing for work, I got a bit of writer's burn out.  This was very much different than writer's block.  When I have writer's block it feels as if there is someone in my head not letting the ideas pass through the gate of creativity.  Writer's burn out is a bit different.  I had ideas coming into that same gate but I was carrying too much in my arms to make it all the way through. I would sit down to edit Chapter Thirty and Chapter Thirty-One or even start to write Chapter Thirty-Two and my pen simply was too tired to actually put the thoughts on paper. So, I took a little break. A type of spring break for the writer.

During that break I got to focus on other things and did not stress over my writing or lack there of.  I still did my work writing but I did other projects for work also.  I saw that the sun was out and luxuriated over this fact which made me a bit lazy for a bit.  I got to spend my evenings having thoughtful discussions or playing tennis or simply sitting and watching exciting movies and television.  It was a writer vacation. Even the best of writers, which I am not self-proclaiming, need time to recoup, reorganize and relax.  By the end of these two weeks though I felt my brain get a bit jumpy and my fingers a bit itchy.  Thus as I sit here excitably typing away my thoughts I can say, "She's baaaaack!" (Poltergeist style)

One of the interesting thoughts I had over the past two weeks still involved writing and ideas.  That does not go far from a writer's mind ever.  Yet, I also starting thinking about writers as a whole.  I remember having a conversation about "What did you want to be as a kid?"  Sometimes as adults in a fast paced world we forget the ease of those childish wishes because of the work that is needed to put into even just a daily life.  I remember wanting several careers. My earliest recall was a deep desire to be a nurse.  That soon fell away when I went to visit my grandfather in the hospital and discovered it involved needles and blood.  That is not how I pictured the romantic-style life of nursing.  Yuck!  Then, I wanted to be a dancer. I wanted to take ballet and become graceful and swan-like.  Given my propensity for clumsiness and scraped shins I am going to say it was probably wise I did not follow that career path.  My mother always accused me of highly emotive dramatic behavior so I am sure at several points in life she thought I would be an actress.  I am still dramatic of course but it was none of these paths that led to my passion.

As early as I can remember, I recall writing.  As a young child even I wrote.  I wrote on everything unfortunately.  My mother scolded a few times for clothes that were marked and I do recollect incidents when toothpaste had to be applied to the wall to wash off my pen markings.  The whole world was my notepad apparently.  Writing was always in my life. Being a writer was always a dream that was always present. Yet, as I sat there one day during my brief respite from writing it made me ask myself, "What kind of writer am I?"

This is a question that seems easy to answer.  Yet, when we think of our childhood dreams where the idea of being a writer formed did it envision the writer I am today? No, of course not.  People age and experience life making beliefs and thoughts take on a more dimensional shape.  Am I a writer like Maya Angelou or Ernest Hemingway or Shakespeare?  Yikes, no.  They are who I admire and look up to for writing but not who I am as a writer.  Ironically I had a discussion about my writing recently that also made me realize who I am as a writer.  There were a few realizations about me that I have cemented, at least in my mind:

1.  When in doubt a poem's my out - I started out writing poetry very young. I was first published when I think I was 12 years old.  (Yes, it looks like a 12 year old's poem but I am still proud.) Poetry is my go-to writing format.  It is where I gain a lot of comfort and is a big niche for me.

2.  My writing formats though can be affected by my emotions.  Just as I mentioned my proclivities to being emotional and dramatic they do fall into my writing and shape it.  I often write poems with a serious, maybe even darker, tone while my short stories are lighter in nature.  My novel is a great combination of both of those. It has elements of great drama. It also has moments of light laughter.

3.  I am still that emotional, dramatic girl but this is not a bad thing after all when you are a writer. I am a very sensitive person but it is who I am. That sensitivity allows me to feel empathy and can often shape my creativity.  A sensitive person can make a great writer.  They feel and feel a lot but those feelings are translated and placed into stories and poems.  Writers are able to create and express stories because of the realm of emotion that exists inside of them.

4.  I may never be famous. I may never get published but I will never give up my writing.  Writing for me is not about becoming famous, although that would be exciting.  It is not about getting as much published as I can, although I will continue to try to be published.  Writing for me is like one of my senses.  Just as I have sight and touch and smell, I have writing.  Writing is a part of me that does not go away and even if it only ends up for me a the small circle that read my materials it won't stop me from writing.

5.  I will always love when I hear that someone has discovered my writing or every time I get published.  I am proud of my writing.  Not everything will resonate with everyone but it is my outlet.  Writing is my friend, therapist, parent, sibling, and dream.  I love to share my writing.  When I discovered my poem had been used in someone's wedding ceremony I felt great pride of the work I created not just because it received recognition, but because it affected someone enough that they had a connection with it as I had.

And finally...

6.  I will always hate commas.  I will also usually be a bit too verbose and love to insert big words.

This is who I am as a writer. It does not change anything moving forward but it made me see that the little girl dreaming about being something grand is still in there dreaming.  The adult woman I am is also proud of herself for what I have created with my writing and that I still have that same passion as a kid with just a lot more work and direction now included.  It is chasing a constant dream but it is one I never want to wake from and not have it be true.  This is my oath to myself and to my writing.